It Is About Holding the Light, Not the Light Itself

I didn’t sleep well Saturday to Sunday. Part of that was that Scout decided to start boof-ing (a term given to us by our Thoughts of Dog daily calendar on Saturday describing a not-quite-bark) at about 12:30am when the snow plows started coming through. Part of that was that I ate nearly half a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Lights, Caramel, Action ice cream at about 8pm. But most of it was a heavy heart about the murder of Alex Pretti by federal agents in Minneapolis on Saturday.

I saw the social media posts first and then saw the first video about 20 minutes before I was heading out Saturday afternoon. (Side note, as awful and horrific as it is, watch the video. See for yourself what happened¹) I was to spend nearly 4 hours watching The Two Towers, the second film in the Lord of the Rings triology which was re-released in theaters this month. I wish I could say that I was furious about what I saw. But it was more in line with how Psalm 5 begins:

Give ear to my words, O LORD;
give heed to my sighing.
Listen to the sound of my cry,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray.

The First Nations version translates the first few lines in this way:

Hear all my words, Grandfather! Listen as I groan deep from my spirit.²

The sighing here is the sigh of something that has been experienced time and again and is happening once more. It is the sigh that comes when there is something “off”, wrong, broken, hurtful, or painful but not surprising or unexpected. It is the sigh of the person with the chronic condition that keeps coming up and affecting one’s life - “here’s that migraine again” or “more bad news from the doctor.” It is the sigh of one who is trying their hardest in school but the results don’t come out the way they hope. It is the sigh of someone who sees the same things repeating in the world and fully expecting that they will continue in that way. And when it does, the deep sigh, the deep groan arises and is expressed.

That was my feeling when I saw what happened to Alex Pretti (and by extension all the others whose names are too long to list here). It wasn’t a sigh of “oh well, that sucks. Got to get going so I can be at the movie on time.” It was that sigh of “once more” and knowing that he will probably not be the last. It was the sigh of “How long” in Psalm 13...

Grandfather, how long will you forget me? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must my inward being groan for an answer? As the sun and moon circle the sky, my heart lies broken on the ground. How long will my enemies dance the victory dance?³

I did head to the movie but that feeling stayed with me throughout the film (I did wrestle with whether to go or not). At the theater, while all of this was on my heart, I did continue the long-distance bonding thing I was doing with my son (who was seeing the film where he is at college) with this photograph of some of the LOTR minifigures who came to see the movie with me).⁴

Note that this photo was during the Peter Jackson intro to the film, not the film itself. Phone went away once the actual movie started

And then I allowed myself to fall into a story that I have gone deep into time and again both in print and in film (and in Lego). But the film hit much different on Saturday than it did before.⁵

• When Eowyn lamented how she was being put on the sidelines because she was a woman and Aragorn affirmed her lament.

• When Aragorn said, “Open war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not” I felt a pang of “yup, we’re in this whether people see it or not.”

• When our heroes looked out from the wall of Helm’s Deep at the overwhelming force coming towards them, I felt a sense of the “smallness” that one can feel when looking at the breadth of the task ahead. And then I read this from Nadia Bolz-Weber on Sunday morning -

Dear Nadia, I am struggling with the world’s weight.

• When Treebeard and the Ents meet and speak of how their deliberations will take time and how there is a bigger story and deepr cycles than just the immediate, I resonated knowing that we are in such a cycle right now.

• But also when Merry and Pippin help Treebeard to see that they could not simply stand on the sidelines but it took realizing how the wider world was affecting them, I thought of this reflection I read at Almost Named Grace:

What It Takes to Get White Peoples’ Attention

• When King Theoden laments “so much death, what can men do against such reckless hate” I felt it deep in my spirit.

• When Samwise the Brave gave his speech towards the end of the film, me, my friend sitting on my left, and the stranger on my right were all in some form of crying and doing that deep breathing one does to try to stave off weeping.

And many more I could share. But ultimtely, I felt the unfinishedness of the trilogy as I left. The film ends with “victories” for our heroes, but as Gandalf says, “The Battle of Helm’s Deep is over; the battle for Middle Earth is about to begin.” I am wrestling this morning with whether I want to find time to watch the final film in the trilogy, The Return of the King, yet because the bigger things around us are so unfinished and are not going to be wrapped up easily or quickly. As Carrie Newcomer wrote in a song that I believe was written in the early months of Covid, “Its a Long Way Up”

As Saturday was coming to a close, my watch alarm went off at 7:55pm to bundle up, grab an electric candle (our windy snowmageddon was just beginning so a “real” candle wasn’t going to work) and to go outside and stand at the corner near our house to hold vigil with those who were gathering at 7pm CT in Minneapolis lifting candles to remember Alex Pretti and to speak a word of hope and offering acts of defiance.

As I stood there at the corner for about 15 minutes and saw probably 30 cars pass by, I had this song going in my heart - Show the Way by David Wilcox

Here are some of the lyrics:

You say you see no hope, you say you see no reason
We should dream that the world would ever change
You're saying love is foolish to believe
'Cause there'll always be some crazy with an Army or a Knife
To wake you from your day dream, put the fear back in your life...

Look, if someone wrote a play just to glorify
What's stronger than hate, would they not arrange the stage
To look as if the hero came too late he's almost in defeat
It's looking like the Evil side will win, so on the Edge
Of every seat, from the moment that the whole thing begins
It is...

(chorus) Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness love can show the way

So now the stage is set. Feel you own heart beating
In your chest. This life's not over yet
So we get up on our feet and do our best. We play against the
Fear. We play against the reasons not to try
We're playing for the tears burning in the happy angel's eyes

Chorus⁶

This song speaks the truth of the power that love ultimately has even when it feels like what Eomer said in The Two Towers, “but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands.” In this photo, I edited it to focus on my hand because to me it wasn’t about the light itself but about holding the light, the act of going out in the cold and snow and standing there in the hope that my action spoke something to at least one of those people who drove by. I shared my photo in a group chat and was encouraged by many others sharing their own. (As I get permission from others, I’ll share their photos)

The evening closed with my wife and I watching these two interview segments on Colbert as he spoek with Dr. Maria J Stephan about the power of nonviolent resistance not simply as a tactic but as a way of life. Part 1 | Part 2. I am grateful for this reminder of the work that will (albeit slowly) change hearts and minds and the world.

So I’m writing on Sunday morning as the snow continues to fall in earnest, Scout is snoozing and cuddled up next to me, and the morning light is just starting to emerge.

Two final thoughts - one from a galaxy far far away, the manifesto from Andor and then a word from the Psalms. First from Andor...(bold is my addition)

There will be times when the struggle seems impossible. I know this already. Alone, unsure, dwarfed by the scale of the enemy. Remember this. Freedom is a pure idea. It occurs spontaneously and without instruction. Random acts of insurrection are occurring constantly throughout the galaxy. There are whole armies, battalions that have no idea that they’ve already enlisted in the cause. Remember that the frontier of the Rebellion is everywhere. And even the smallest act of insurrection pushes our lines forward.

And then remember this. The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that.

And know this, the day will come when all these skirmishes and battles, these moments of defiance will have flooded the banks of the Empire’s authority and then there will be one too many. One single thing will break the siege. Remember this. Try.

And this from the end of Psalm 5 (same one as with the sighing and deep groans first is the NRSV and the 2nd is the First Nations)

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
so that those who love your name may exult in you.
For you bless the righteous, O LORD;
you cover them with favor as with a shield.

But let all who trust in you always sing and dance for joy. Let those who love and honor you find safety under the shadow of your wings. Yes, Grandfather, your peace and goodness rest on the ones who walk in your right ways. Your great kindness is a medicine shield around them.⁷

Sigh. Lament. Hold. Light. Hope. Try.

Grace, Peace, Love, Hope, and Joy,
Ed

1. I am not linking to the video here but it is easily found with a search. i want to respect those who have set self-boundaries against watching videos like this.

2. Wildman, Terry M.. First Nations Version Psalms and Proverbs: An Indigenous Bible Translation (p. 6). (IVP). Kindle Edition.

3. Ibid, p 11

4. We must continue to live and laugh and love through it all

5. MaryAnn McKibben Dana will be doing two more Pop Culture Pastors Hour podcasts on the Lord of the Rings after our more-lighthearted one this past week. Link to “Will it Preach?”

6

7. Wildman, Terry M.. First Nations Version Psalms and Proverbs: An Indigenous Bible Translation (p. 6). (IVP). Kindle Edition.