Staying: Why I'm Not Leaving The Church

Ok, let’s just get one thing out of the way right now.

The church is not perfect.  Far from it.  In a lot of ways, it is a mess.  The two denominations that I am a part of are both struggling with growth, vitality, and what the future might hold.  In the 24+ years of being a pastor, I’ve seen (and probably done) things that do not line up with the way of Jesus.  I have seen people take hurtful shots at others in public gatherings and I’ve been on the receiving end of such attacks.  I’ve sat through many many budget meetings where deeply well-meaning people have wrestled with realities of balance sheets that were far from balanced and despair sets in of what cuts would need to be made in the year ahead.  And in the midst of these experiences, I have sat with grieving family members who have lost loved ones or got bad news from a medical test, counseled with couples whose marriages were struggling, and met with parents trying to figure out how to reach children who were going down unhealthy paths.  And I, like many other pastors, have struggled greatly with mental, emotional, and spiritual health.  I am one of the many pastors who daily take anti-depression medication even as I feel healthier today at 50 years old than I did when I turned 40 and was deep in a time of several depression and anxiety.  So yeah, the church can be a tough place to be, especially as a pastor.

There have been many reflections shared that have gone “church-viral” (shout out to MaryAnn McKibben Dana for that term) in the last few years of pastors who are leaving the church and are not coming back, including one from just a few weeks ago. As I have read each of them, I resonate with the experiences of these fellow ministers of the Gospel.  I don’t begrudge any of them or feel I am writing this to “counter” what they shared.  They are doing what they need to do for their own personal, relational, spiritual, emotional, and physical health.  I would be lying if I said I never considered doing the same.  The reality is that there may come a time for me in the future that I need to, or feel the time is right to, make the same decision.  My role as a pastor is not my ultimate identity of who I am but instead is where God wants me to be right now in my life.  The time may come that there is a different direction.  But now is not that time.

So, given all that I have shared of what has taken place in the last 24+ years around, to, and within me, why am I staying with the church?  Part of it is most definitely the congregation I am currently serving.  I am about to celebrate five years with them and I can honestly say that I love the people of this Northern Kentucky congregation.  We do not all see the world in the same way and we have not always seen eye-to-eye through these five years but what I have seen time and time again is that we abide with one another and we bear with one another.  I love the words of Colossians 3:12-17:

As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Does this congregation live out those words perfectly?  Nope.  Does any congregation?  Nope.  But have I seen it lived out a lot?  Absolutely.  I have seen it as we hung in there with one another through the pandemic.  I see it right now as we are engaging some challenging questions regarding our identity as a congregation into the future.  I have seen beautiful compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience lived out.  Are there exceptions to this?  Absolutely.  But more often than not, I see this recipe for Christian community lived out.

I was the recipient of a great blessing from this congregation this past weekend.  Sunday morning was a morning of surprises as our choir (in their first Sunday back after summer) led the congregation in a beautiful birthday hymn that I had never heard (“What a Glad Day”) to celebrate my birthday in worship.  I was then surprised by the birthday celebration potluck that they managed to keep a secret the last several weeks.  I came downstairs to our fellowship hall to be once again greeted with birthday wishes with tables decked out in black and gold (my favorite combination of colors - Go Colorado!), a life-size standup of Han Solo and Chewbacca standing guard next to a Star Wars birthday banner, and a cake showing off several really spectacular photos from the rather-distant past.  In addition, words were shared by our council president that were so heartfelt and encouraging as several other gifts were presented.  In 24+ years of ministry, I have never had such a celebration.  It was beautiful, humbling, and filled with love.

So part of how I feel about pastoral ministry right now is due to the congregational community that I am a part of.  As I write this, I know not every congregation is like this one.  Some are very similar, some are probably even more so, but there are others that are not.  Some are unhealthy, hurting communities that take their hurts out on their pastors and staff.  Some are toxic and chew up and spit out people time and time again.  But I am deeply grateful to be found in this place now.

But why I am staying with the church goes beyond just this one congregation.  I am staying with the church because while I know that this gig is hard,  I know that I am planting seeds and I see signs of growth.  I have seen transformations take place in the lives of people.  Are there as many and as often and as dramatic as I would sometimes like?  Often not.  But they are there.  I think of the person in a previous congregation who still regularly sends me photos of crosses she sees in the everyday moments of life.  I am grateful for the person in my current congregation who shared with me the transformation that has come in their life as a result of what I have taught and practiced about gratitude.  I think of the family who connected with our congregation online during Covid and has continued to be fed virtually as they aren’t able to get out much on their own.  Those are just three examples but they are growth from seeds that have been planted and that the Holy Spirit has brought transformation.  Jesus’ parable of the sower reminds us that our job is to sow the seeds wildly and generously and trust in the ways that God will grow them.

Being a bit of a history nerd is what keeps me here as well.  The last 2,000 years of history shows that the church has weathered storm after storm.  It has weathered pandemics, plagues, wars, unfaithful leaders, divisions, changes, new ideas, new technologies, and countless other challenges.  Has the church changed through and as a result of these things?  Absolutely.  Why?  Because God is still speaking, Jesus is still working, and the Spirit is still moving.  The church that has reformed time and time again and continues to reform time and time again according to the Word of God and the call of the Spirit is one that will not fade away.   I resonate with the insights of wiser ones than me who feel that we are in a time of radical transformation for the church akin to previous major shifts and I want to be a part of that.

And finally, I am not leaving the church because God changed my life through this beautiful yet flawed community.  My life has been changed through the ministry of the church I grew up in, through the work of the church I became involved with in college and who supported me through my ordination process, in the congregations I have served as a pastor, through the connectional bodies that I have been a part of, but most of all through God working through the people of all of these faith communities.  God’s Spirit has been at work through the people of all of these communities.  And my call is to be a part of continuing that transformation both in my own life but even more so now in the lives of others.   It is through this transforming work that we are led to be people to work for God’s justice and reconciliation in the world, who work to change the systems that are antithetical to God’s way, and ultimately to be a part of the flow of God’s kingdom in the world.

In closing, I would simply say this to both pastors and to congregants.

Congregants, in tangible ways, show your ministry leaders that you love them and support them.  Please don’t simply assume that they know how you feel.  Send them notes of encouragement.  Tell them that you are praying for them (and do it, don’t just say you’re praying).  Surprise them with a blessing here and there.  Share with a ministry leader specifics of how God is at work in your life through their ministry.  And when challenges come (and they will) don’t talk behind their back but meet with them directly in love following the pattern of Matthew 18.  Recognize that they are people with lives beyond the walls of the church and support them when they go to a child’s band concert or need to take time away.   Volunteer in ministries and be an active part of the work because you are a fellow minister of the Gospel.

Pastors and ministry leaders, similarly...show your congregation that you love them, but love them first and foremost for who they are right now not simply loving them for who you hope they will become or what you think they should become.  Love them for who they are right now.  Tell them that you are praying for them (and do it, don’t just say you’re praying).  Be present with them, surprise them, play with them, be real with them, encourage but also challenge them.  In the midst of what you are doing in the congregation, take care of yourself physically, spiritually, and emotionally as you tend to your own journey with Jesus.  If you aren’t feeding yourself, it is hard to feed others.

So, in a bit of a lengthy reflection, that’s why I’m staying even as I hold those in prayer who have had to step away.  I am deeply grateful for the place in which I find myself in ministry right now and I pray for those for whom the relationship isn’t one of gratitude but of struggle.